Have any problem self-harm or suicide? GO AWAY. DO NOT READ THIS. IM SERIOUS. PLEASE DONT.

Im a 16 yr old guy. If I was really happy, I would want to die. Just end it on a good note right? If I was sad, I would want to die. Get it over with. I was just in church today. It was a good message but my mind was messed up. I just thought of some weird shit. Like, death. Just lots of death. Dying. What it would be like. Normal but it just preoccupied my mind only with the cutting. It has been a month or so since the last time I wanted to dig my wrist out. Wasn’t like that this time but I just thought of it. Spilling blood. It hitting the floor. Usually might hit my mind at night. Thinking of what it would be like to use different blades and all. I got anxious and depressed last September and I cut for about three weeks. Not that bad but now, I’m trapped in my mind with an urge to cut nearly as powerful as being horny or something. Usually I can just roll a blade over my wrist. Feel some pain but thinking better of it knowing that I can’t have my wrist scarred. Hell (literally), I would commit suicide (say if I failed all my classes or something really bad happened) by cutting my wrist. A sweet release before the sweet release right? Just weird demonic shit. Wanted to see someone die almost. I don’t even get on the dark web because I’m afraid I might get hooked on something bad. I enjoy the sound of church bells but not the wedding bells. The horror ones. The judgement to come bells. I feel like I messed up my thoughts somewhere but can’t get rid of it. Please help. BTW. Something that doesn’t involve telling my parents or a doctor or something? Beginning to think that I would love some horror movies though...