Spent the whole night inside my own head It’s just…my x, father of my kid, keeps trying to be my friend

And he hurt me and fucked my opinion of the world so completely On top of being overall emotionally/verbally abusive…and on a few occasions raising a hand to me I found so many signs and things pointing to infidelity But that man would deny and lie And freak out that I accused him of lying ‘because he didn’t lie he just didn’t tell me certain things’

He made me feel like a crazy person

Any time I think about dating again I have a damn panic attack and the fight or flight response kicks in

…I tanked my next attempt at a relationship with a friend soooo bad Like honestly I know him and I wouldn’t have worked, but I see my role and how I made it worse I hurt him And I drove myself nuts…

I still have such a hard time even thinking about letting someone in…about trusting someone

I feel so fucking broken and I hate it I want to fix myself.. I’m going to counseling I’m trying

But I still find myself on days like today where I feel utterly hopeless And not a damn thing anyone says will help

“It’s only a block of time” “It’ll get better” “You’re not broken” Same shit over and over

I know…I’m fucking aware But that doesn’t make it hurt less

I feel like I’ll never be able to find someone and let myself be happy with them

I can’t afford for be hurt again like that, I’m terrified of trusting someone and letting them in…only to have them betray me and devistate me…it’s the what if’s that are killing me

I just want to be able to trust my own judgement…I want to be able to let myself be happy again

I just...I feel like I can’t trust myself With attempt at dating after my divorce I felt like I couldn’t open up I felt like I was always second guessing myself... Like ...am I being irrational about something due to past experiences... Or am I not reacting enough? Am I falling into the same shit I did with ex husband where I sacrificed my own happiness for him until there was nothing left?

And on top of that there is the fear of being cheated on again...

And I just wish...I just wish my x could be a decent person for like a minute and fess up to what he did... I wish I knew the extent of it I wish I had proof that i wasn’t a crazy pants

But I know he isn’t capable of really owning his flaws/failures

And you know...maybe he never actually fucked anyone else...but I know he was on his way

He would flirt with other women and his ex’s He’d lie about where he was going He downloaded the tinder app He changed all his passwords...he’d shit a brick if I walked near his phone or computer He’d clear his texts and Facebook messages

I mean...the damn signs are there You don’t do that shit if you’re not doing something wrong

I just don’t know how I’ll ever trust my judgement or anyone else enough to have a good relationship