When I started my freshman year of college, I met a guy who would be my tutor for chemistry. I never really spoke to him outside of our sessions, and I developed a crush on him. For some reason I started feeling really shy around him anytime I saw him and ultimately had this like-hate relationship with him in my mind: on the one hand, he was someone who I could go to for help in chemistry, but what I hated about him was how intelligent and how charismatic he was to other people, especially females (I'm an openly gay male).

I'm now at a point where I've started picturing these scenarios in which I hurt him physically (I'd rather not describe these fantasies, but they're pretty graphic and involve a knife or a gun). Last night I dreamt that he was attacked by a group of people from my school and it was oddly satisfying. In the dream I vividly recall me seeing him being attacked and asking him if he needed me to help him get medical attention. In the dream I can remember feeling extremely devastated at how much pain he was in. I can't explain why I have mixed feelings of liking and hating toward him.

Someone please help me understand my feelings. Is there a subconscious motive behind these thoughts that I'm not aware of? Additionally, if you'd like anymore details regarding my relationship to him or my thoughts, please go ahead and ask.