I know I should probably go to a counselor and tell them instead of you but I don't have the money and really need to get this off of my chest.

My life has been going down hill ever since year 9. I was in the top classes through highschool but my grades were dropping every year. I was bullied in a weird way I don't even know if it was really bullying I guess probably not but it was my group of friends who were doing it. We had a large group of friends (about 20 of us) who sat together at lunch/recess. It's probably my fault really I am argumentative and when there was something brought up that I would disagree with I would let people know. Soon when I would mention things I was told to shut up straight away. I still stayed with the group because there was really nowhere else to go and I didn't want to be alone during the breaks. I should mention that I did have one really good friend Harri who never did any of this stuff to me. He made my time at school bearable and was always super nice to me. But when ever he went away for basketball or when he was sick things seemed to get worse and I would have water tipped on me or small stone's throw at me. From about year 11 I got the nickname turd/tool from the people in the group and I guess I really just wanted to have friends so I dealt with it. I did talk to a teacher about it once but these people were the good kids in school and I was told that I was over reacting.

Home life at this stage wasn't really much better which might be unfair to say but I felt really isolated. I am part of a really big family, I have 7 siblings with me being the second oldest. I was always the one causing all of the problems, getting into fights or arguments a lot and lying about things, sometimes school sometimes things from home. No one at home really liked spending time with me because there would always be a fight of some kind. It's really all my fault, I should have changed the way that I was acting but in the end I basically just kept to myself. I never had any friends over because I would get embarrassed by the fights and arguments between mum and dad would have. My parents still loved me but I am the black sheep of the family I guess you could say.

During this time around about I developed an addiction to porn and I hate it. I feel disgusting afterwards every time but it is basically the only thing that makes me feel good at all so I keep doing it even though I hate myself for it.

While I was at school work was really the only escape that I had. At work I was probably considered annoying but I did my job well and the Managers appreciated and would give me praise after each shift. So during my gap year I worked there a lot. My gap year was probably the best time of my life. I didn't do anything substantial besides work but I just felt valued there.

I moved from my town to Newcastle to study at the University there and for the first 4 months I was too scared to talk to anyone and introduce myself and ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I sat on my own in lectures and didn't talk to anyone. I had overheard conversations of people who were sitting nearby me and we shared interests but I couldn't bring myself to talk to them. Desperate for friends I did something that I am ashamed of and will never forgive myself for. I created a fake Facebook account where I posed as a fake person who I pretended knew me in real life. I found out the names of the people who I had over heard and I added them. I felt a lot more confident when I wasn't approaching someone face to face and basically convinced them to come talk to me during the next lecture. They did and I was accepted into their group of friends and I didn't feel bad about what I had done but I really should have and I do now. If I couldn't talk to them myself I don't deserve to have them as my friends. It is not relivent any more but I lied my way into being their friend and I am a terrible person for it.

The rest of that year didn't go too badly but at the start of my 2nd year at UON the people that I had bonded with there the most had all dropped out and fell out of the group. I was alone again. That year I failed most of my courses and I am too ashamed to tell my parents about that because my dad is very strict in that area and I can't have them being mad at me.

Recently over the Christmas break I told my family that I was going to change degrees and that really didn't go over very well. And in the end they told me that I was going to be unsatisfied with my life and end up on the street. This new degree was more in the direction I want to go but they all think I am doomed to fail and I don't know how to deal with that.

My life feels like it is over and I have done some really bad things some of which I haven't mentioned in here but I really don't want to deal with it anymore. I needed to get that off my chest sorry it was so long and thanks for reading it I guess