I was sexually abused by my older brother growing up for many years. Though I’ve blocked out most of it one of my earliest memories is him ejaculating in my mouth. I remember not thinking anything was wrong, yet being shocked, thinking he peed in my mouth. Sorry to start off on such a awful subject, but that moment shaped who I am. And who I always will be.

So far I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, clinical depression, General Anxiety Disorder and social anxiety disorder and OCD. I am constantly scared I have schizophrenia or psychosis. That is my most severe phobia.

I haven’t been to a mental health clinic or any kind of therapy for many months, but my mental state has been deteriorating rapidly. I’m scared to go back to the doctor because I don’t want to be diagnosed with anything else.

The worst part is, I have a beautiful girlfriend who loves me more then I deserve. Yeah I know how awful. But it really is. One minute I love her more then anything. I’m on top of the world and feel like the luckiest guy. The next minute I can’t stop thinking about her flaws, and how much I loath her and ways to get out of the relationship. I think I deserve better when I don’t think anyone better even exists. The mood swings are constant. I think about how I’m dragging her down with me, and how I’m better off dead. I usually just want to be left alone.

I fantasize about suicide a lot. I envy the people that have the courage to go through with it, as sick as it sounds. I fantasize in general a lot. I escape as much as possible, be it through alcohol or fantasy games or literature.

I’m irritated, agitated and anxious all the time. I get intrusive thoughts constantly. Which just make me more anxious and scared. My doctor said this was normal with people with anxiety disorders like ptsd. But they scare me so badly.

I have no direction in life. I clean constantly and that’s about all I get done in the day. I wash my hands so often I have cuts on them.

I am so quick to anger. And I have no social skills.

I look around and see other people my age. The peak of there lives, socializing, happy, living to there full potential, going to university and excelling at life and fulfilling their dreams. I am jealous of them. I am so bitter. I feel like the scared little kid I was wen I was being abused, it’s not fair man. I never had a fucking chance.

I don’t know what I’m doing here, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just scared and angry and hopeless.