I have no friends except for a s/o and a single friend I see maybe once a week. I live with my s/o and I've realized how (probably) unhealthy our relationship is. I'm so dependent on them emotionally, they're all I think about if I'm thinking about something other than depression, and I'm devastated if they go out without me or something.

I feel like I've went off the deep end. I smoke weed every day just to feel ok, and used to drink every day but I'm not 21 yet and am in America so haven't had too much alcohol lately. I feel so alone that I'm actually going crazy. I think my personality and mind are irreparable. Messed up with almost every friend I had in this small town but even if I got a fresh start, I'd be even worse off because I can't do anything. I used to be "smart" and do amazing on standardized tests but can't focus on schoolwork.

I thought that getting a therapists appointment or something would be a partial solution, but now I realize it's not good enough. Seeing a therapist once or twice a week won't fix any of this. Right now I'm thinking about when I get off work and how I want to just unbuckle my seat and crash my car, but I feel like I have too much self control to let myself despite all my problems. Help please.