This all started when my first (ever) girlfriend broke up with me 8 months ago. I was 16 at the time, and I was extremely hurt by this because she was the first girl I ever loved despite only dating her for 1 and a half months. I spent the first couple months of the breakup crying about it but hiding it from everyone I knew. It got worse when I found out she cheated on me two weeks before breaking up with me. I also had to go to work with her every day afterwards for 3 months straight until she quit, and I frequently see the guy she cheated on me with, even today.

I withdrew from friends and lost all of them and now all I have is my sisters. I can't make friends now because I am far too cynical and have a strong sense of disdain for everyone around me.

When I was dating her, I was a fairly charismatic motivated, and funny person. Now, I display no emotion, I can't be funny even if I tried. I can't express emotion to others whatsoever, I stutter and slur my words, I keep misspelling common words I used to know well and feel more stupid overall, despite the fact that I read more books now than I ever have. I get angry easily. I can't get to sleep at night. I have bags under my eyes and they're bloodshot.

This is where it gets bad.

I have constant suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, I'll think about my ex and think about killing myself in front of her, or just killing her. Sometimes it's the guy she cheated on me with. Sometimes it's their entire groups of friends. I don't actually feel compulsion to do it. I just have the thoughts. I'm also pretty apathetic in general, although I still care about human life (mostly) and don't want to hurt anybody.

I don't want to go to therapy because my family is poor enough already, and no way would I ever tell another person about this face to face. Other than therapy, how can I get better, and what the fuck is wrong with me? This is some Ted Bundy type of shit.