I don't mean to insult individuals with actual mental illnesses, because I know there's a huge disrespect that comes with an individual putting normal traits out of proportion (I.e, being a neat freak and calling yourself OCD)

However, ever since I was younger I've experienced these insane fits of anger. When I was younger I'm sure my parents just wrote them off as me being a kid. It was usually just characterized by these bouts of anger and nastiness when I got frustrated or aggravated (rarely physical, mostly just verbal and behavioral). I was otherwise a pretty sweet and empathetic kid so it wasn't like I was in general "problematic". I distinctly remember getting so frustrated because I felt like i couldn't control these fits of being generally just a horrible person, and no matter how hard I tried, and I kept getting in huge trouble over something I felt like I couldn't control.

I haven't grown out of it. When I get slightly irritated, stressed, or frustrated, it takes no time at all for me to spiral. I've gotten a little better at controlling it, but for someone my age (18F) I feel like this absolutely should not be happening. I just suddenly turn into a horrible person and all I want is to make people feel terrible and to tear them down and be angry. When people are kind and patient with me, it just makes me angrier because all I want is a rise out of them I want them to match my level of insane anger. If I'm texting someone while this happening, I'll have this urge to say something horrible and nasty and if I don't respond or I say something else, i get this feeling like I'm going to lose my mind and my heart starts pounding and I feel myself physically just becoming so overcome with anger.

Just tonight I freaked out at my boyfriend over the phone because the stress of other situations was boiling up and he was trying to be so sweet and patient and it just made me even angrier for some reason. It makes me sick to type this but in that moment I just wanted to tell him that I hated him. He hadn't done anything wrong and he's one of the most amazing people I know but I just got overcome with this urge to tell him that I hate him and to go off on him and to scream and just...my heart was pounding and racing and I felt stick to my stomach. I made him block my number because I was afraid of what I might say.

Ten minutes later and I feel horrible and I absolutely hate myself and I'm instead spiraling into this really dark place of self loathing.

This is not unusual. This cycle happens all the time with people I become very close with and as I grow older I feel like its seriously starting to impede my ability to maintain healthy relationships with people I love and with myself.

Is there something fundamentally wrong with me?? Am I just having really strange panic attacks? I'm so tired of being someone I hate.