Background: I have/am diagnosed with schizoaffective and borderline. I am on a unique (intense, imo) regimen for these conditions. I take two atypical depot antipsychotic injections, one SNRI, and a typical antipsychotic as a PRN.

Lately it feels like I lost my core self and only exist as aspects of myself which put me into different headspaces. I feel fragmented.

In the the fragmenting, two major halves exist. Group A is the groups of subpersonas (lack of a better term) I inherited through psychotropics and therapy, relatively healthy and functioning to a point. Group B is my old selves, psychotic and emotionally unstable. I find that in my epiphanies I fluctuate between various shards of the core that are relative to either categories and I can’t even say any of them are grey areas. My epiphanies bring me back to the thoughts and beliefs of Group B (psychotic), but only the behaviors of Group B (borderline) come on sometimes (mind you, at a much lower level).

In my Group B phase I feel like when I have been in Group A, that I have succumbed to the lies of the simulation and the truth is more important, despite it making me miserable. Then when I am back in Group A, I feel worried that this is happening--and overall I still am confused about what is real and what I really believe. I’ll spend days to weeks in Group B (‘psychotic’) but Group A shines through at times, and then I will go back to Group A. If there is one grey area, however, I would say it is my depression because I will experience it in either case (though sometimes in neither, or one but not the other).

I don’t understand what is happening to me and I don’t know which is really accurate but I am thankful to have the level of wellness required to be able to articulate my own explanation of things. Is this just schizoaffective and borderline in a nutshell or is this absolutely unexplainable?!