for context, i have been notably lax my whole life, an attribute of myself I often find at odds with my provocative personality and ever ongoing struggles with depression.

especially of note is a difficulty starting projects or even reaching out to friends unless emergencies happen, something I realise is probably hurting people.

unfortunately, I'm deathly sure i'll fall back into those habits after a week at most. not to mention how little i've gotten done with even basic things like keeping up with school assignments or keeping my living area tidy

I feel like I'm failing to launch. I want to achieve some difficult crrative dreams (game development and writing notably) but I often feel I mostly want to do it for the recognotion and ass pats, another thing I kick myself for.

how do I overcome this apathy block? what kind of harsh kick in the pants do I need here to grow up? will any combination of words or reflection or attempts to "just do it" ever pan out?

please help, this situation will wind up with me working retail at 30 and I want, DEMAND better of that for myself, but this endless campaign of stagnant self sabotage needs a way to end before I can achieve that! I dont want to just whinge about my problems rather than be proactive, even if sometimes I cant immediately find a path to do so.

what can I do?