TL;DR: Falling in love triggers something that makes me go manic, feel all kinds of physical and emotional pain, and makes me terribly depressed and detached from myself.

I'm 21 years old, female. Ever since I was a teen and I fell in love for the first time, every single love experience has ruined me emotionally. I don't know how to explain clearly, because I do not understand it myself. When I met my first partner, I fell in love with him, but it happened gradually. As we continued talking and meeting, I would feel more and more in love with him, to the point where my entire life was gravitating towards him, but I think this is what being in love feels like for everyone. But as we know, infatuation has a shell time, and it disappears after a few months. When the infatuation has worn off, I started to feel depressed, even though I still appreciated my partner, but not feeling the same intensity sent me into a spiral of emotional turmoil. I started to feel anxious and depressed all the time, I started to have panic attacks, I isolated myself and refused to talk to people, and I even had actual physical withdrawal symptoms like vomiting, nausea, headaches, muscle pains, tiredness, etc. I eventually left my boyfriend, because I thought it wasn't fair to him to pretend that I was in love with him, when I clearly wasn't anymore. My second relationship was exactly the same: no reasons to fall out of love whatsoever. My partners have been wonderful to me and they did not hurt me. I simply fell out of love with them. And for the second time, I almost killed myself because of the infatuation withdrawal...I had exactly the same symptoms.

 

Moreover than that, I actually found out this is not even related to romantic love or the people that I've dated. About an year ago I stumbled upon a band that I grew to love very quickly. Basically I became obsessed with the band, with their music, with everything about the band members, I would sit and watch concerts everyday, read interviews and host fanclubs on the internet. Even though this was a band, not a person, I felt in love with their music with the same intensity that I felt in my romantic relationships. I was very elitist and defended them from haters, and I would get super defensive and aggressive everytime someone said something bad about them. Then again, after one year of going through that again, I fell out of love. I think I kinda became bored of their music or just burned out from the constant exposure, and I lost interest in them. I could not believe it, I was feeling exactly the same withdrawal symptoms that I had after my infatuation with my partners had worn off. So after this event, I realized that my issue isn't linked to romantic love, it is rather a chemical issue in my brain, but I don't know what it is. Actually, ever since I first fell in love I felt like something happened to my brain, like someone flipped a switch, and not in a good way, because it made me somewhat manic and made me feel like I wasn't myself.

 

However, now I am super afraid of everything. I am afraid of talking to people or trying new things, because I know that if I accidentally fall in love with someone/something again, I'll wreck my life once more, and with every single episode, I feel more and more suicidal, because I build up so much chronic pain that now I'm anxious and depressed all the time. Sorry for the long post, I thought I'd give some details since I thought my issue was unusual and I literally never heard anyone who was suffering from this. Can someone help me figure out what's wrong with me?