Sorry to ramble. I think I'm starting to lose it. The dialogue I'm having with myself is getting more severe, violent, consistent and pervasive. I'm beginning to have physical reactions to the thoughts in my mind, the conversations I have with myself and responding to them in ways I never have before. This is all a relatively new development for me. I recently stopped Mirtazapine and went back on Escitalopram. The lexapro worked for me in the past, albeit I had difficulty sleeping. The Mirtazapine made me simply not care about anything at all, to the detriment of what little life I had left outside of work. I have a referral from my GP to go back and see my psychiatrist. I know there's something wrong, I don't know what, and haven't known throughout the past 17 years dealing with various issues. But this is new. I haven't ever started shouting 'No!' over and over again, to no one but myself, before recently. Saying things over and over. Bad things. Having conversations with myself again and again, talking from two different sides. One side telling me various ominous stuff that will happen, things I should do, things people think, and the other side opposing it, trying to get an answer for all the questions I have and hitting a brick wall. That's what I talk about. I ask myself often, among other things, 'why do you hate me.' It never gives a straight answer. It dodges the questions with vague answers that can barely be called answers at all. It passes the buck back onto me then expects me to be happy with it. It has that type of answer for everything. It constantly belittles, humiliates, offends, terrifies, attacks, threatens and opposes everything I do. Every little thing I think. Everything. It's draining, to have the most menial thought, interaction or feeling turned into a battle of two halves. Two vehemently opposing sides fighting for different outcomes. Is this what it feels like? It's scary. To be so involved in your own head that you're talking with someone else. Someone who knows what you think, and does everything in it's power to undermine you. I hold it together pretty well. Only a few people at work have seen me actively discussing this shit with myself. I usually work alone, operate out of a car, so can have these stupid bloody conversations with myself to my hearts content with no-one the wiser. But I know what's going on, and I'm starting get scared by how often and intensely these interactions, with myself, are happening.

I'm not asking for anything from anyone here. Simply getting it off my chest anonymously in a way that will ease my tension just a little bit, for a little while, if nothing else.

I'm calling my psychiatrist's office within the next few days to book an appointment. Thanks, internet friends.