I've been suffering from depression and associated issues for the last few years although on and off across my life to one degree or another just never serious enough for me to take seriously.

I was doing well last year; meditation and exercise really helping support me along with CBT and citalopram. There were points where I felt completely free and very without negative thoughts at all.

In October my wife and I went to Vegas and it was too much for me, I got too drink and we had a few arguements. We still managed to have an good time but it was her 40th and the guilt stuck with me more than it should have done.

I've been researching cyanide and thinking about not being here anymore, going as far as checking my death in service benefit and life insurance policies.

I have 3 children who I love dearly, a good job, supportive wife and know I am not a danger to myself. But I can't find joy in anything, I have no motivation, I'm leaving in patience and get angry over nothing. I just can't be bothered any more.

I've been signed off work for 2 weeks and feel like I'm running away from everything.

I just don't know what I'm doing.