Gonna try to make this as concise as possible. I don't know what's happening to me and I feel incredibly anxious and lonely all the time.

I was assaulted about a year ago, was dissociated for months, had the worst year ever, saw 2 therapists but stopped going because it wasn't helping, and eventually over summer I tried to better myself through surrounding myself around family, exercising regularly and eating healthy.

It was all okay for a while but now I feel this weird sense of newfound anxiety and panic. Towards the end of last year I lost all my best friends from back home because I couldn't open up to them, and now I feel incredibly lonely.

I went to Japan with my mother over winter break, but now that I'm back at uni I just can't seem to remember a lot about the trip. It's like I feel so disconnected from myself and everyone else, as though things and experiences just aren't registering properly in my brain anymore. It's freaking me out a bit. I just feel this strange weight on my chest, like somethings weighing me down.

I cater my personality to fit the way I think the person I'm interacting with will like me the best, but now I just don't know who I am anymore. I feel miserable and I feel like crying all the time.

I don't want to seek help again because the last 2 times I did were really awful. I've been trying to join more clubs and practice meditation, but nothing seems to be working. If anyone has any words of advice or comments I would be greatly appreciated.