I'm having suicidal thoughts, because of my loneliness. In my school I have a reputation. I've been very mean since I started middle school. My friends were very toxic and rude, my relationship with my mom was very horrible. I was very disrespectful and rude to her in the past 2 years. At the start of September I noticed my behavior and started to change. I got rid of my toxic relationships, I've watched alot of videos about changing yourself, I've read many articles about controlling your mood and these things have helped me alot. Hell, even my relationship with my mom got better. It's not great, but I understand that I have to earn my mom's trust again. Even though everything should be great, I don't feel great. I feel lonely. I didn't have many friends to begin with and now I don't have any at all. I have cried so many times at night that it has become a routine. I had many sleepless nights where I just thought about suicide. In the past months I feel like I'm not worth anything and that's why I don't have any friends. I'm so scared that people will get hurt by me again. I've hurt people enough and I don't want to hurt them again. I think that if I commit suicide I won't cause any hurt to anyone again. My classmates still try to talk to me, but I rarely respond and when I do it's just a smile or a "yes" and "no" answer. I know I brought this on myself by being mean to people in the past. I understand that it takes time to rebuild people's trust and make friends in general, but it has been months with no one to talk to. I was a very outgoing and talkative. A person who loved to socialize. And not talking to someone has led me to believe that I'm never going to gain people's trust again. Like I started having doubts about my sexual orientation and that hasn't helped either. I actually forgot the last time I felt genuinely happy or had a long conversation with someone. I don't even know where to start, because I think that this state I'm in is my finish. I feel like if I tell someone they will get the wrong idea. Like they'll think that I'm feeling sorry for myself because I was mean in the past or that I expect people to respect me that quick. I don't feel sorry, nor do I expect people should respect me. I feel like they have a perfect reason to not trust me, but not having a normal conversation in the past 6 months has been horrible. I realize how arrogant this sounds. I'm Sorry.

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