I honestly feel like I'm at my wit's end here. I've dealt with depression and thoughts of suicide all of my life; lately, these two things have become predominant in my life. Up until July/August of 2017 I had control of my life and I felt like things were only going to get better. My boyfriend at the time sexually abused me then posted it online, a month later he took it to another level by posting some photos/videos to 4Chan encouraging other users to harass me and my family- from this post I discovered he had created a porn site account to hide all of the images/videos he swore he deleted, at least the ones I knew about. I'd discovered he'd been abusing me for months in my sleep and taking videos/photos without my consent. There is now a pending court case. I'm trapped where I am until this is over.

I did therapy for many years before the horror my ex put me through and I was fine. Now I'm seeing a therapist for the sexual abuse, but, I honestly feel like I'm just going through motions and not truly gaining ground.

The past few months have been very difficult for me, as you can imagine. My behavior has become somewhat erratic and self-destructive. For the first time in my professional life I was placed on a probationary period. Every morning I lay in bed and dread getting out of it. I'm consumed with hatred for the position and the people I work with. I spend most of my time staring at the wall when I'm not looking for a new job. Job prospects are limited in my area, unless I want to get into something I will begin to hate just as much in time.

I can't find joy in anything, I've tried. I used to love playing music, now, I can't concentrate long enough to carry rhythm and I'm extremely insecure about others opinions of my abilities. Every hobby I try to pick up to distract myself is temporary; nothing will stick to entertain me. Most nights I drink until I pass out.

I feel like a burden to those I love, they've heard these complaints from me enough. Because of my actions some friends have turned their backs on me and I feel judged by everyone around me. I've met someone who seems to truly care for me, but, after what I've been through all I can think is he will betray me as well and that I do not deserve him, if he is genuine.

I'm tired of lying awake at night and waking up thinking how much better it would be if I didn't have to wake up. I'm at my wit's end. All I want is to disappear from the world.