Hello, I've never posted here before. I'm a 28 year old guy and have a decent job that I like, it's quiet and involves a lot of puzzle solving and I'm pretty good at it. I've never had a ton of friends because I'm very particular and not very open with people so it takes a long time to build up relationships, but the friends I do have are outstanding and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm kind of the funny guy but my humor is very blue. I got bullied a lot in grade school and learned to make people laugh because it'd get them to not make fun of me. I think it just kind of stuck. I don't know if any of that information is really important, just wanted to give it in case that's something that people do here.

For at least 5 years, I have a hard time doing anything outside of my job alone without crawling up inside my head. All the things that I used to do for enjoyment like listening to music or playing video games, I just can't do anything anymore. It's like a wave of apathy that very rarely lifts. Occasionally, I pick up a razor blade and will press it into my shoulder or hand and I don't really know why to be honest. I don't know if I like the pain or maybe I like having something else to focus on for a minute. Or just to feel something that isn't apathy for a moment.

I think about dying sometimes. Why we're here, what's the point if it ends the same. I doubt I'd ever kill myself because there are things I care about here that I wouldn't leave behind like that, mainly my mom and brother. I worry my brother will end up like me.

Is there anything I can do? I don't know what a pill could do for me or if a pill works. I think the brain is so complex that it couldn't, but I guess I don't know. I don't want to be in a mental fog or be unaware or not be me anymore. I've also always kind of thought that it's human nature to feel this way: that everybody gets down, gets bored, thinks about their mortality, etc. and that I'm just being soft and need to suck it up. Life is difficult, I just need to learn to deal with it maybe.

I don't know what's going on but I don't like feeling like that. If I'm hanging out with friends or family I'm usually fine, it's being alone with myself and having time alone where I can't entertain myself and waste away. I can't really explain it. Does anyone else feel like this? What helps you? I've never talked to a therapist or anything like that and understand you cannot give a diagnosis on here, but if you know any methods to help me get out of that feeling, I'd be eternally grateful. Is this what depression feels like and I've just been in denial about having it for years?