Okay, I've fully concluded that suicide hotline/crisis centers are not gonna help me.

I have been fluctuating between full on suicidality and "just" ideation, which they've had trouble with, and I'm fully terrified of what in-patient care looks like. (This is from personal perspectives - I'm on neuro meds where if I don't get them correctly can fuck with my head as well as my body [psych ER today delayed them by 2 hrs which... isn't a welcoming sign], I'm trans and gay without gender marker changes - and practicalities - they said they don't know where I'd be or how long I'd be locked up, which is a problem as a working adult who just lost my entire support system when my husband died. (The caseworker "kindly" told me the hospital would send a letter to my landlord if I was kept long enough to get evicted.) None of this warms the cockles of my heart nor does it make me feel like anyone has my best interests at heart.

I'm a recent widow (less than two weeks) and they made me hand over my husband's items that I've been carrying with me, including his wedding ring, and I couldn't do any of the activities I do to manage my anxiety/flashbacks (a great new addition to the PTSD are flashbacks to my husband's death so managing this is REALLY important). I couldn't have music or books or writing materials. I knew I couldn't bring my knitting (pointy sticks + string) but it was shockingly upsetting to hand over EVERYTHING including his wedding ring and religious items. They made it clear, too, that if I went in-patient I wouldn't get them back until I got out. (Given, too, that I've been performing religious rites and that's helped me manage, not having access long term to ritual items would be a bit of an issue.)

(I am also very open to the idea that they may well have my best interests at heart and that I am a very anxious person with a history full of a lot of trauma, including medical trauma, and I am very very shy after being burned. I don't enter into much without full disclosure and without my husband, I am... hyperaware that I don't have an advocate who has the legal right to step in for me.)

I have been... severely ill before and was sent to a psych ER by my then-therapist. I was allowed to talk to a mental health professional, assess what I needed to do to stay safe, and connected to a psychiatrist/out patient treatment I could access within the week. (My safety plan went to shit when I was summarily kicked out of the house by my parents, but I liked that.) Today when I went to a psych ER, I was told that either I could tell them I was safe or I could go in-patient without any information about what that looked like. I told them I was safe because... well, I don't particularly want to be on a locked ward. But I do want to get help?

Are there resources to get fairly-quick-help - like I mentioned about the previous psych ER I went to, where I got a pretty solid PTSD diagnosis, psych meds to carry me until I saw the psychiatrist, and was mostly treated well - and not just "Are you safe or in patient material?"

tl;dr? My local psych resources are either months from availability OR only oriented to checking if I need to be in-patient in a locked ward. I would like to figure out a disability-oriented plan centered around keeping me in my community and safe. Does such a thing exist?

(I am in Philadelphia PA USA but am willing/happy to use online resources etc)