This post will come across as a bit emotionless but I don't think I'm a psychopath, just trying to be honest about how I feel despite the gravity of my actions. Just looking for some advice if anyone has experienced this or knows what this urge could be classified as.

For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with the idea of running away from everybody and everything and starting a new life in a different city or country. This obsession has always stemmed from things I've done that I find embarrassing, or don't want to be associated with anymore. For instance, my teenage years were, to put it simply, awful. I hated my secondary school and didn't have many friends. I was miserable and retreated into video games and the internet to forget about all of that, and so went through school a pretty big nerd, depressed, anxious, with few social skills and even fewer friends. When I finished school, instantly I didn't want to be associated with anything from that point in my life. I unfriended everyone I knew from that stage in my life, deleted numbers, posts on my Facebook wall, photos, any trace of what I had been like. It was such an amazing rush doing all of that, which you may think is understandable because I had a bad time there, but that feeling extended to cutting off really close friends from school who I'd played video games with online every day for the last few years. I didn't care that I'd cut them out - I was so happy to remove all of that from my life that those friendships made nothing to me, I didn't even hesitate.

I went through college (UK, so ages 16-18) a ghost. My depression was the worst it ever got at this point and I had no energy to be social. I went to classes, sat in silence, then went home. The few people I spoke to during my time there got the same treatment once I left. That included the one person from my school who joined the same college as me, and was my best friend while I was there.

Now I'm in my third year of University and have mostly had an amazing time. I never expected to love University but it has really helped me get social and feel normal for the first time. I go out a lot, have a great friendship group, and am getting better and better at talking to strangers etc. I struggle with things still like everyone does but mostly it's great. I feel like a normal uni student. But despite this, this urge I have always had isn't going away. I'll have graduated and moved back home in half a year and know if I don't get this urge under control I will cut ties with all of them the second I go home. And knowing how hard it is to make friends outside of things like school and university, and how these people are the closest, best friends I've ever had, I realize that this is a stupid thing to want to do that I will never really be able to recover from. But I can realize that and still want to do that. It can be the most minor thing, like how I got really drunk one night and there's a video of me talking nonsense, that sets off this feeling of wanting to cut ties with everyone who knows me. If anything, I want to go further and move country once I graduate.

My parents are great and support me and love me. I love them too, but if it wouldn't hurt them I would cut ties with them in a second as well (in the same way not wanting to hurt your parents is a common reason to not commit suicide). And I don't even think I'd feel bad about it...in a way for this type of urge parents are the worst offenders. They've been seeing me embarrass myself since I was in nursery, know all my secrets and struggles. And I hate that they know all that.

Some extra context....when I originally cut ties from friends from my school, they ended up getting back in contact with me. And now out of sheer coincidence, two of them live in the same city as me. I hang out with them every couple weeks and still can't wait to get them back out of my life! I have a good time when I'm with them, but in a way see this current situation as a necessary evil that can be fixed once I graduate. They represent the worst portion of my life and know all sorts of embarrassing things about me.

TL;DR: Thinking my life will never be great enough that I won't want to cut all ties with my past.