It began in the first semester of nursing school. I owned little of my time and felt smothered by scholastic obligations. I noticed my mood becoming less and less stable. My relationship with my mattress intensifying and I was crying frequently.

I voiced my health concerns with faculty and urged them to withdrawal me from an experimental course they drafted me into or to remove me from a scholarship they awarded me ( it required too many meetings, socializing, and general up keep) I didn’t want special treatment. I was doing fairly well in my classes all A’s and one B. I just felt it necessary to communicate my deteriorating health and shave off the extra stress from my program. I wasn’t taken serious and I ended up feeling really low. I was ready to kill myself.

This is when I got hospitalized. They kept me in a behavioral health clinic for five days. I sat with a psychiatrist twice for 15 minutes each time, he handed me a prescription and a new diagnosis. He called it dysthemia. This along with my GAD were affecting my life. But he deemed me “stable” and released me.

Things got worse after this. The nursing program wouldn’t accept my medical clearance from the clinic and wanted a more thorough excuse. Without it I couldn’t return to clinicals and I would fail. I tried to fight them and just took a medical withdrawal 3/4 of the semester in. This pulled me into a deeper depression.

This time I spent days crying and not sleeping well. I didn’t want to eat and nothing mattered. Nursing was all I was or wanted to be. How did I screw up my chance?

I felt ( feel ) defeated. I wonder if I’m fit to be a nurse. I mean... I cracked. And the nursing faculty seemed less than sympathetic to my situation. The field is also full of bullies. How can I make it?

I start my new semester tomorrow. I’m supposed to retake a course and apply to another nursing program, a program I originally favored over the one I attended. But I wonder is it worth it anymore. I’m worried I’ll fuck it up again. What should I do?