I wasn't sure what to title this to be honest, but this is my life and why I have finally accepted that I do have some sort of mental issue.

I'm a 22 year old male from UK, I had a very normal and common first 13 years of my life - no problems at all. Sure, I struggled to fit in and make friends as I only had one maybe two friends and some I was 'forced' to be friends with (family friends etc). At that age I knew nothng of mental health and what comes with it, I thought everything was just a natural human emotion as I'd never dealt with anything that brought me down, I was a happy kid no doubt. I was in no way smart but not dumb either, just a little trouble-maker (Can you blame me?!) who would refuse to do anything school-wise.

January of 2009 is when everything in life became clear, and I finally felt depression for the first time in my life. A man who was a friend of my mother had been living with us for a good 5/6 years so I grew up with him, he taught me a lot about being a 'man' and just helped me kill time by playing video games, going fishing, anything. I never had a father figure in my life and he was near enough that for a time. However, after dropping my best friend to the trainstation, the guy hanged himself in my own home. To this very day I still see exactly what I saw when I went to go upstairs and play video games with my friends online. It still hurts me, and still gives me nightmares or makes me feel like utter shit from time-to-time albeit very rarely now. But from that day on I understood depression, I understood not everyone is happy.

I chugged on with life, kept going but my school grades had significantly dropped, I got into the wrong crowd of friends and would skip classes or school itself of most days. Days I was in, I'd cause havoc in the classroom and be sent out. Almost weekly I was suspended, getting into fights, fucking shit up. I talked to a therapist when I was 15 and I just completely ignored it, didn't think it helped and I'd get pissed off at them telling me about their brand new fucking BMW. I didn't give a shit. I hated life, I knew that. Eventually, I got into college and got a diploma out of that so that's a positive thing I suppose. Dropped out of Uni twice.

I stopped seeing a lot of my friends after school, made some new ones in college and I'm still friends with them now though we rarely talk but everything is okay on that front. Those are the types of friends I love and care for so much. Relationship wise, I've been cheated on in all four of them except my last one which ended a week ago - and in that week, I've realised I need help. My trust issues from so many people I haven't even wrote in this story yet because they're insignifanct/don't feel like they're important to my story anymore have completely broken me, I'm essentially un-trusting people for no reason because literally everyone in my life has left randomly. I'm lonely. I'm broken. I have nothing anymore (I know that's cliche, but it's true). I have so many urges just to end everything.

I moved home in April of last year, after my mother had tried ending her life because of depression, and that killed me inside so fucking much, the one person who I always trusted - broke my trust. I got into a relationship with the most beautiful, caring, loving and the best person I've ever met in my life, she was and still is my absolute world. Last week we broke up, her citing she needed a break, but I knew and she did say it was because of my behavior. She lost the 'spark' but still loves me, and still wants to be friends. Basically, I pushed her away unintentionally with my trust issues because despite the fact I trusted her 100% I'd still get extremely jealous when she'd talk to another male, and she got sick of it. I don't know how to work on this, and I wish she'd understand it's not anything she's doing but it's just what happens with me. So now I've lost the one good light in my life and I'm back to feeling lost.

I know I need help. Thank you for reading if you have.

EDIT: Added to last paragraph.