Hey folks,

I have posted this in the depression forum and thought I'd also post on here to see to increase diverse feedback as yes I am very depressed but I am also not sure if I am dealing with another mental health issue or if this is normal form of questioning sexuality though the past year has been very, very, very rough and I don't think this is all normal. I am determined to battle this issue full on and move on and just need a point of direction via objective feedback.

So I am mid 20 year old woman who has had a long history of here and there anxiety, some of which was physically debilitating, it got that bad at one point. I have not ever been diagnosed with a mental health issue as I was always able to handle it, this last year has been very different in a hard way.

So my current issue started when I naturally questioned my sexuality last year. Some past fantasies made me question if I was attracted to celebrity women simply for actively and intentionally fantasizing about being with them romantically. I knew I was not attracted to these celebrity women that I actively fantasized about in real life but I got confused how I could get attracted to them in fantasy if I was not attracted to them in real life? Believe it or not this one question got me going round in circles trying to find an answer for a whole year. Just when I thought I finally researched enough about sexuality, a thought would enter my head "you cant live life because you are not 100% sure, are you sure the attraction you felt in fantasy but not in real life doesn't define your sexuality?, How can you be sure? You can't continue living life until you have all the answers". I tried to ignore those thoughts but it kept coming back up to the point that I sought clarity online, asking forum users"does attraction you feel in fantasy that does not crossover to any real life attraction mean it is attraction?". When someone asked me if I had internalized homophobia I explained that I honestly have nothing but love for the LGBT community and this had nothing to do with any real life desires for women because there was none. When someone told me why I was still a virgin if I preferred men romantically, I responded that I was asexual. I ended up having to clarify why I was having a hard time and yet I didnt know why, all I knew was that it had nothing to do with a problem with being bisexual or a lesbian. Is it mental illness? Is it a normal process of questioning sexuality? I have no idea. I've tried ignoring the repeated overnalaysing and the question that keeps ringing in my head but to no avail. I go by weeks feeling good but then after a huge crash. The question creeps back in and takes over weeks and months. Its an endless cycle of misery and small moments of peace and then misery again.

I have spent a year not being able to hold down a job, not engaging in any of the exercises I used to, not living life and I am not even sure if I am suffering from a mental illness either. Its been rough and I am still in it. I am still sitting here noticing that if I dont end this back and forth with that one question regarding attraction and fantasies, it will take another year of my life. I am pretty sure those close to me think something is up with me due to unemployment. I am surving on savings but not sure what I will do when they run out. I dont want to wait for that. I want to get better.

Does anyone have any tips? Any feedback. I am really hoping for something, anything to help me get out of my own head. I cant afford a counsellor so its either I seek help online or I read some books. I dont even know whats wrong with me though?

If you have read my story and respond, thank you. I am not losing hope.