Hey, so I'm a 21 year old female. Here's a very brief history on my past in chronological order.

Molestation by moms boyfriend (BIO dad was never in my life but went to jail in my early childhood and that was the last time i saw him) (Ages 3-7) Mom became Alcoholic when she found out she let her child be molested for years. Abusive in every way, mentally, physically, emotionally. Every day was fear and fighting with her. She always made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Now I'm overly apologetic. Was locked in my room the moment I got home until I had school the next morning for months of my childhood. I wasnt let out for anything and only had a mattress on the floor in my room, everything else was taken out by her. (IDK why she locked me in my room everyday but she did) I was finally given up to foster care by my mom. bounced around a lot and I'm now graduated from HS etc. At this point in time both my parents are now dead, I have no friends or family whatsoever. I'm mostly alone. I live with my boyfriend and his family.

Now that you know my history, here's (I think) what my problems are.

I have a hard time self-identifying. (Cant even pick a favorite color, song, food, place, movie, anything) I'm completely indecisive. I feel as if everyone hates me, or thinks I'm annoying. I feel like an idiot. I am constantly saying sorry for "no reason". I think I'm a horrible person even though I've never done anything actually mean or spiteful I'm lazy as f*ck (mostly out of fear) I have this deep deep feeling like something terrible is wrong with me but I don't have a clue where to start.

I basically just cant make up my mind on anything, I'm always thinking about both sides to everything in life. I am so indecisive and neutral, like on those "agree/disagree/neutral" tests I could actually put neutral for every single question or statement. I just don't know.. And I cant see a therapist because it just turns into a giant vent session and we are out of time before she gets a word in. Granted that may be grounds to seek alternative counseling but right now thats what I have.. I dont know why I'm posting this.. Maybe others feel the same? Maybe I'm not alone? Maybe the answer to whats wrong with me is too obvious and can only be seen from the outside looking in? I dont know. Any help or advice or stories is welcomed.