I'm a gay trans man who lost my husband on December 18. I have diagnosed PTSD and panic disorder but, for a variety of health reasons, am not a great candidate for many medications. (Although I do have some hilarious stories about many standard meds and their side effects.)

I have been suicidal before. I have, quite seriously, never been this badly off. I am also backed into a corner without resources. I've been trying to get LGBT-competent therapy but no one in my city can take me for 3 months. In order to access state-run health care, my options are ... well, they're both sex segregated apparently and for me, that would mean being on a women's ward which is not going to help me. I feel very effectively barred from accessing health services right now.

Even the grief support systems I've found assume, automatically, that I am a woman because I lost my husband. Even with a man's name and a picture of me and my husband standing together with beards and matching tweed jackets. As a trans man, this is deeply, deeply violative. As a gay man, this is also deeply deeply problematic. Combining the two is... an issue.

I've tried calling suicide hotlines. Last night, a woman told me to find Jesus. When I called back, the next woman told me that I will start dating again soon and find love again. (I lost my husband TWELVE days ago you fucking asshole.)

But I am also sitting on a pile of blankets between two suicide methods holding my husband's stuffed bear. To my left is a bowl of pills, carefully counted to make sure the milligrams guarantee an OD, and to my left, if I could figure out the mechanics, is an option to go to sleep and not wake up. It's not a good place.

I'm in the US, where our mental health care is a TERRIBLE system. I've tried crisis chat (and talked to the same person literally four times today). I'm leery of the suicide hotlines. I am terrified right now of even leaving the room I'm in, much less walking in the night to a hospital.

I suppose this is a cry for help? I'm sorry if its inappropriate.