Hey Reddit, it's nice to be here. I often help or give advice to people with relationship problems.. but my problems are really getting out of hand.

I don't mean to bore you, but my life has been really taking a toll on me and I wanted to reach out and ask for help. So showing me some empathy and deep advice will help me feel better. In no manner I am trying to seek attention, just help.

Starting from the age of 6, my parents are very conservative. They used to beat me if I didn't study and made sure I studied. My mother would sometimes bring out the belt or the stick and I was really afraid cause it hurt. It was their way of telling me that if they didn't do that I wouldn't grow up or learn discipline.

At the age of 13 my dad fucked up and got into a huge debt which my mom paid off, he had his drinking problems and shortly fell into depression later on. He was always bitter and wanted me to be perfect at everything I do. My hair, my dressing, my eating habits, like he was going for perfection.

Sometimes my parents wouldn't give me money to take to school, so sometimes when I felt hungry I would have no money and had to just watch the other kids eat. There's definitely violence, physical abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse etc. I was never allowed to develop a sense of self will, or selfishness growing up. It felt like they gave birth to a child and they wanted me to be perfect in every way.

They wouldn't let me speak to women, they'd always be suspicious about what I was doing and when we almost went broke, I had to wear the same school uniform for 2 years back to back, even the shoes and socks. I felt so insecure to be around other kids, like they had it all but me. It took a huge toll on me and my studies started to dip.

They used to abuse me saying why won't I study, they compared me to other kids and asked me to eat their shit so that I could get some sense. I felt really bad because I try really hard and I can't wrap my head around it. In short, I never received their love to cross my inner boundaries. No compliments meant anything to me, and I fell into a relationship with a girl who also had divorced parents.

I became a narcissist, started controlling her and her behavior. Kept fighting, abusing.. asking her for her love and time. Was super insecure and my anxiety shot up through the roof sending me into depression once she left me without any closure. This girl gave me so much love and emotional support I started becoming dependent and was afraid to be alone again. The same parents today and I live in existential crisis.

I've failed at everything I've picked up. Failed college, failed engineering, dropped studies.. chose music, became a DJ and I did well. But to take it to the next step I have no money nor do my parents. It's weird because I feel I never left these women who abused me cause I was used to it.. it just felt like manipulation to get what they want. I stayed because I knew my parents are old now and they'll never love me the way I want them to.

I'm 22 now, with depression.. anxiety.. substance abuse.. alcohol problems and anger. My dad and I speak like 3 sentences in a day and my mom and I speak like 12 maybe. It feels like I'm an orphan and my dad doesn't work. He's really messed my self esteem up and was never a good role model to look up to. My mother is the only food bringer to the family and I buy clothes once a year. I am totally devastated that it has become like this and sometimes I ruminate so bad about my exes, missing the love and validation they gave me.

I've been under therapy but it doesn't help. And now I have anxiety. I fear commitment, I love too hard and always ask for love and if they don't give it to me I feel as if it's going to be bad. I fell for a narcissistic girl and she fucked me up in a couple months. I always attract broken people in my life who want to use me.. and I am always sad. Never felt happiness really in a while and sometimes I think about suicide.

My career as a musician is at a standstill, I failed at piano too, I lost interest in almost everything and I smoke up, drink to mask the pain. I fear for my future and I am the only son. To top all this up, I am Indian.

I don't know how to progress with my future with so much failure, low self esteem, low self confidence, no courage or will. I feel like my existence on this planet is a curse and I always day dream about the good days in the future. Everyone is sad around me and I have no friends, I cut all contact with them cause they have better handling options about their lives and I feel like I just don't fit.

Every day I wake up, ruminate, get depressed, lash out.. get high, get drunk and go to sleep with a empty heart. I fear a lot about being successful cause I have enemies who want to bring me down and at this point my question about god being there for me in non existent.

Please help me decide what's best for my future, how to make money and be successful in the music industry. It's my passion and I love music. A very good escape mechanism and it's not harmful. I feel so weak, and broken because I loved my parents and now I resent towards them for bringing me up in such a ill fashioned manner. I keep abusing my mum and keep asking her why why did you all do this to me.

I have no courage to take another step at life or jobs because I am afraid I will fail. Women just wanted to use me and leave me, my teachers have been abusive and my friends aren't healthy for me. I've come to my corner with no hope of getting up again.

Will anybody help me realise WTF is going on in my life? Sounds like so much bad karma.. and everyone is getting ahead or head and I'm here struggling to go to sleep. It makes me cringe and then anger comes out.

Please try not to be philosophical or tell me to do this and that.. I wanna know how to get back up on my feet and win. Show everyone that I am superior and I can do it. I want my own car, my own friends and a really healthy life. But it's the opposite of that now.. and I'm growing older. I feel I am mentally sick, and good for nothing. Constant failures at every aspect of life.

Help me? This Indian wants to change the world, but the world is really showing me it's ugly sides and it's damaged me from within. Like a fracture on my soul. Sorry, but whoever reads this, thank you. I mean it.