I'll try to keep this flowing logically, and as brief as I can.

About a year ago, I had my first manic episode after 15 years of stability, goal achievement & relative satisfaction in life. I had been hospitalized numerous times in my early 20's, with the eventual diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I'd been on the same dose of seroquel the whole 15 years. Got 2 college degrees, and was making good $ in a skilled trade.

In 2016, my Dr agreed to try to gradually reduce my seroquel dosage, at my request. The plan was to step down by 50mg every 3 months. I had been on 800mg at night for the whole 15 years. I thought maybe I could get by on a lower dose.

I eventually got down to 650mg. At that time, a long term good friend of mine, who also had bipolar for 10+ years, and I started dating. And we both got really manic at the same time. In just a few months together, we were talking about getting married, having a baby, starting businesses, etc. I bought a house just a few feet from her house.

She ended up needing to be hospitalized, voluntarily, to come back from her mania. The person that came back from the hospital, well she was different. She could see we had rushed things & I think wanted to put on the brakes. I was still manic & freaked out. I got mean, nasty, argumentative, at a time when she needed support. She ended up dumping me, and justifiably so in hindsight.

But I had signed away 30 years of income on a mortgage, within view of her place. I tried to make the best of it, but everyday was a struggle- keeping up appearances as our platonic relationship continued.

I was working 50 to 60 hour weeks in heavy industrial manufacturing, in order to pay my mortgage & make needed repairs on a 130 year old house. But I was getting more & more depressed about my behaviors that ended the relationship, and being stuck paying for a house that I no longer wanted. It seemed like I'd be better off dead than in that situation.

Some of the rather grim methodologies I envisioned included industrial "accident" at my workplace. In early Nov '17, I didn't go in to work. I ended up signing myself into a psych unit voluntarily. I have lost friends over the years to suicide. I saw how devastated their parents were. I was disturbed that I was thinking this way. I had even gone on a few drives to check out tall bridges & tall buildings.

They kept me 5 days. I continually explained to my treatment team that this was a situational depression, that I could identify it's causes, and that I didn't need to go on an antidepressant med. So they didn't change or add to my meds. I had by that time re-increased my seroquel with Dr supervision back up to 750mg.

After I got out of the hospital, I talked to my boss, and told him I needed some time off to address the issue of intrusive suicidal thoughts. I told him that some of my plans had included killing myself through the use of his machinery. I turned in my key to the shop at that time.

I spent the rest of Nov & Dec mostly laying in bed, barely eating. I have since moved out of the house I own but do not want and am facing foreclosure soon. But getting out of there has been an improvement. I've been interviewing for new jobs, and eating more regularly.

I don't feel suicidal anymore, I just have a wreck of other situations that I have created that I now need to address. That employer was nothing but understanding, and would let me come back to work anytime.

But I am scared of going back to that job and having to work on the same machinery that I had, for so many months, looked at as a way to commit suicide. And it would've been pretty gruesome, to put my head into moving heavy industrial equipment.

My skill set is in demand, I can go earn a living wage at plenty of other places. I just feel bad not going back to that job for basically psychological reasons.

I will have to show up there at some point to pick up my belongings, but I've been dreading even doing that, as they will want some kind of explanation.

I'm not really sure if I have a specific question or request in posting this.

TL,DR: Concurrent manic episodes w/ partner. Bought house while manic. She recovered before me. I freaked, got dumped. Stuck in mortgage, got depressed, suicidal. Facing foreclosure. But recovering slowly.