My worst nightmare came true. Since I was maybe 12, all I feared was not to ever have a boyfriend, and here I am, 14 years later at 27, and I'm alone and never ever been in a single date despite trying very hard. All I know is rejection and feeling of being left out. I've been feeling hurt and down for far too long. Now I'm getting old and the love experiences (with sex included) that young people experience are gone for me. No chance of time rolling back, because let's not be hypocrites, life at 15-24 is way different than life at 30 especially regarding sex life and love relationships. Some say life at 30 is better than at 20, but that might only be true, which I doubt, if you enjoyed love and sex at both ages, which I didn't. I think about dying every single day and I can't bear this pain anymore. Life has been too tough on me. All I wanted from life was a boyfriend and never had one. I don't see the point in my life anymore. The pain of isolation is too damn hard. I was the first among my family and friends (I only have online friends at the moment, but I had IRL friends in the past) to come out as gay, and yet am the only one not to have had a relationship so far. As far as I can remember I started feeling sexually attracted to boys around 9 or 10, or even earlier than that, and even masturbated thinking about them, although I didn't accept myself back then (Is it common for males to be sexual at such an early age?).

My heart is in a million pieces. I wish I was never born. I feel like punching my face every day, I feel like killing myself every day, I feel disappearing every day, I can't go any further. The feeling of wanting something since a very young age and never being able to have it is so heartbreaking. The pain is beyond description. This unfulfilled part of myself also took a massive toll on other areas of my life such as getting a degree or having a stable job, but that's not the aim of this topic.

I was such a romantic person in my teens and when I came out, but I'm slowly becoming a bitter and resentful person which I have absolutely never thought or wanted to become.

Sorry for venting on here guys.