I'm back in touch with one of my old friend's. He is, or at least was, a great guy. He had lots of interesting things to say, he was kind, and creative. There was a part of him that was really insecure. He used to blame himself for the things people did to him, always seeing it as a lesson (no I'm not talking about me, this is someone else, my friend Tom). He did have a hard life, economically and family wise, and he would tell me these things, and obsess about how his face wasn't symmetrical in the mirror and talk about malnutrition. The good parts of him seem to have faded away and given way to a serious mental illness that may be related to these issues. He no longer talks about his interests, he's given up playing the keyboard, maybe music entirely, he's irritable, and in some sort of state of self-loathing, cynicism, and anger.

It really frustrates me, because I feel like even though we're talking again and I'm glad we're talking again...he screams at me when he's upset about his own image now... accusing me of hating him and putting him down... It's like my old friend died 5 years ago and has been replaced with a monster.

I went to a show last night and the band was playing music that sounded a lot like the stuff he got me into in my early 20s, and I thought of him, but then I thought of what he's become. I'm not sure if a psychological illness has reached a malignant level or if it's his psychiatric problems coming back. I don't know. It makes me sad.

Have you seen the movie a beautiful mind? I feel the way John Nash's wife did when she broke the window in the bathroom. I feel like I've lost my friend, that he's long dead and gone, even though we're talking again. I wish I could fix what's wrong with him. Some sort of demonic force has taken over him.

Edit: Words can not express how sad I am about this. I think about all of the good times, and what he's become makes me really really sad.