I don’t know anymore. My FP left in August. I think the last time we had a conversation was November. Seems like specific holidays I’ll get triggered by the memories. New Years passed and last year I was with him. It made me feel worse. Cried a lot, had more intense nightmares than I usually do, had more intense feelings of suicide. It fades a little, but it’ll always come back. Valentine’s Day will come and I’ll be alone. On top of BPD he convinced me to do psychedelic drugs with him. I feel like I have the craziest weirdest deepest fucking dependence on him. I hate it. He doesn’t respond to my messages at all. He spent the relationship lying and cheating and “trying to understand” my bpd. But I know he never gave a fuck in the first place. I end up being left by everyone I could never imagine leaving. Every fucking one. Two of the three friends I had left, who I’ve known for several years. No one gives a fuck about me and I can’t keep dealing with it. Every single moment in my life has gone wrong and I can’t get over it. I started cutting myself when I was 11 and being “emo” was supposed to be a phase and I was supposed to grow up and be a fucking human but my teenage years were filled with fucking abuse and abandonment and all it did was get worse and all I do is fucking hallucinate and not feel and fear the fucking world. I don’t think there’s hope anymore. I’m just letting myself experience life because I’m terrified of the pain of death.