Hey there, I'm a 20y old who suffers depressive episodes, heavy daily anxiety and self-doubt. These are all caused due to growing up in a homophobic country with an abusive alcoholic mother. Any kind of therapist or professional mental health help is outside of my budget right now and will be for a while, so I've finally reached the point of asking strangers online for help and it's making me feel pathetic.

I recently moved away from my country to the UK and my life has finally begun to VERY slowly take a positive turn and for a while I regained some control over my mental health. This all crashed and burned gloriously 3 days ago when one of my biggest fears - not being able to let go of a thought, came to life.

My anxiety likes to do this thing where during particularly bad episodes it will make me "check" myself to see if I'm anxious or feeling better, which will ironically trigger self-doubt and more anxiety. Well 3 days ago out of curiosity I checked an old acquaintance's facebook and saw a homophobic post relating to my country, which admittedly upset me but not particularly much. However, my mind has not been able to stop checking whether it's still thinking about that person, without any emotions attached to him or the prior event, it just mechanically pops into my mind every 2-3-15-30min etc. and I have never had anything like this happen.

It feels like I'm finally going nuts and depression has begun settling in again. If anyone has any advice or input to just reassure me I'm not insane it would be GREATLY appreciated.